When You Mistake Control for Connection

When You Mistake Control for Connection

A tranquil lake scene at dawn, with a single wooden boat floating gently on still water. The mist-covered forest and distant mountains reflect in the calm surface, bathed in soft golden light. The atmosphere feels peaceful and introspective, symbolizing calm after chaos.

You call it love.
But what you’re really doing is managing.

You manage their moods.
You track what sets them off.
You change your tone, your timing, your truth — just to keep the peace.

That’s not love.
That’s control disguised as care.

And if you’re honest, it’s not even about them anymore.
It’s about your need to not feel unsafe.

You Keep It Together — Until You Don’t

You fix, explain, smooth over, and carry the emotional weight of two people.
You say you want connection, but you’re terrified of what honesty would cost you.

So you control it.
You perform calm. You over-function.
You build an entire relationship around avoiding discomfort — and then wonder why you feel lonely in it.

I talk about this same survival pattern in my post on Why “Doing It All” Burns Down Family Businesses — different context, same burnout.

Because whether it’s business or love, control looks like strength until it starts killing the connection you wanted in the first place.

You Can’t Keep Pretending This Feels Okay

You say you’re loyal. You say you’re patient.
But the truth? You’re exhausted.
You’re tired of being the emotionally responsible one.

You call it boundaries, but it’s self-erasure.
You call it love, but it’s fear wearing a nice outfit.

You’re not asking for too much — you’re just asking the wrong person.

If You Have to Perform to Keep It, It’s Not Love

Real connection doesn’t require management.
It doesn’t ask you to shrink.
It doesn’t make you question your sanity every time you speak up.

If it only works when you hold it together, it’s not working.

Stop managing. Stop explaining. Stop confusing control with closeness.
Peace isn’t found in performing calm — it’s found in being seen.

When you’re done pretending everything’s fine, go to the Free Session page. That’s where this work starts.

Find more posts like this on the Destiny Unbound Coaching Blog.

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**Written by Jillian Smith, M.A., Founder of Destiny Unbound Coaching**